00:07 Birdies, bogies, holes and swinging. Golf is filthy. #
00:14 Smother me, mother me. I'm wearing auntie's petticoat. I put on lipstick and my hairy legs are stockinged. Ooh 'eck! How does this look? #
00:16 I put a pack of frozen peas between my knees. The game was to hold it there until the cold I could not bear. Easy peasy icechapped kneesies. #
00:18 The final game I played tonight. To thwack a ball and clench it tight. To tie a ribbon round the mast and wait for victory. Home at last. #
00:20 Those last three tweets sound strange and rude, but I wasn' t eating, just playing with my food. The words I spout are not safe for drinking. #
00:22 Calamity Jane and Lillie Langtry met in a pub and watched the match. At Kalamazoo King Kong did find unkind pilots playing with his mind. #
00:25 I shot your putt. You rounded my bend. I hailed your salad. You dodged my jam. The rent was under. The time was spent. A friendly game of 1% #
00:31 Nicky nacky night night. How dreadfully embarassing. Tell him to shut up Hegley. Gilbert and George got right up my bottom. #
00:34 RT @BelindaMaybe: recorded a poem today: sound like Thora Hird if she was the ch ild of John Hegley and Pam Ayres / I like the sound of that. #
01:04 Pearl's a swinger, she sucks dongs as she sits in her old banger, in the carpark. #
13:10 Every time I write something on twitter I am guiding us all closer and closer to the new Bethlehem. Follow me Carole King. #
13:15 @Lisaansell Oh dear, for a moment I thought you were having a lovely snogging lunchtime, not watching a pop video. #
13:21 @Lisaansell ah now I get it yes, the gay snogathon for the pope. Sounds awesome. I should really drink some coffee. #
16:44 RT @themanwhofell: Rubbish comedian Jeremy Hardy is trying to get on my bus. His Oyster Card doesn't work so he's buying a ticket / chancer #
22:52 finally had to change battery on my ipod 5th gen. Cost £5. I use floola to add and remove music. www.floola.com mp3tag to edit tags #
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